BroEl's overly stressful and in some ways quite emo rant......

Gal, it's been since way back in December when I made my last post here, hasn't it?  Well I've had plenty to write about, that's for sure.  Problem is actually ever getting around to writing any of it, which with as much has occupied both time and mind as of late, has been extremely difficult to do.  Heh....  But after reading the most recent post on my friends blog about her current stresses in life, I kind of felt the need to give myself my own release of some of the things that have been overwhelming me over the last little while or so.

Well I was originally going to come in back at the beginning of the semester and give my overview of how the break went and what I'm looking forward to academically, socially and personally going into the new year/semester.  But those things do sort of loosely tie into this little rant of mine, so I guess in a way you could say this is pretty much it then, heh.  Basically coming into this new year/semester, things were looking very, very up for me after having had fallen on some pretty dark times for a while.  I had finally put a lot of my old feelings behind me that had been troubling me since back in the summer and accepted things for what they were currently, even if they weren't what I wanted.  Despite that fact, I finally felt ready to move on with life and give more serious thought to exploring other possibilities with other feelings I felt like I could've possibly had.

That's where the confusion begins though.  Also coming into the year/semester, one of those possibilities was to not have feelings for anyone in particular at all, as inspired to me by my good friend Bryson.  It was something I was seriously considering giving a try, but the problem was going into the year/semester I still felt like there was a possibility that I could've already had some feelings for a couple of certain specific very wonderful and amazing young ladies that was now ready to come fourth since I had finally put those old feelings behind me.  So the conflictions stood as thusly: which one of those magnificent young ladies do I want to be with the most, or do I even want to have feelings for anyone right now?  As it would seem, none of my old conflictions from the past year/semester had gone away, all but just that one particular feeling that I had finally put behind me, but that was it.  It felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders, but the confusion had just only begun.....

And as a result, I took far too long to act.  I guess I can't put too much blame on Teagan for setting her brothers up with them, she did what she thought was best for the people she cares about most in life, both her brothers and her non-blood related sisters.  She saw the opportunity and she took it, and she was only able to take it because I let it happen.  And I really should be happy because she's happy, because her brothers (two very good, very close friends of mine by the way) are happy, and most of all, because those incredibly fine young women are happy.  But what about me?  I must say it's been one heck of an incredibly bittersweet period of time for me lately.  Everyone just seems so happy, and I'm happy that they're happy, but I'm miserable because of it, and that right there is not so happy.....  I can't help but sometimes be angry at Teagan and her brothers, and even in some cases the other girls as well for it all.  But that's just being overly emotional I guess.  I do feel really terrible about it, and I wish things didn't have to be this way so that I couldn't feel this way, and that in turn they couldn't feel that way about me.  I guess you can't really blame me for getting that way though, but the reality of it all is that it isn't any of their faults, and they don't deserve to have this anger directed towards them.  If anyone deserves to have anyone's brunt of negative feelings thrown at him, it should be me.  And without a doubt, if there's anyone in the world who has had by and far the most anger tossed upon them by me, it is most assuredly myself and myself alone.

Which also brings me to my next point: just how much longer is this going to keep happening to me?  Why does it seem like every single time I've had reason to believe, it always ends this way?  I've probably been told more than any other guy in life that "you're a really nice guy Nate, you're really great, but you're just not the right one for me" or "I really like you a lot, I just don't feel ready to get in a serious relationship with anyone right now."  And the worst of that latter is that both times I've been told that, interest has been shown by those particular girls in other guys really not too much longer after them having said that.  Which begs the question, am I really just that pathetic?  Is every guy out there better for every girl out there than I am?  What is it exactly that women just don't seem to like about me?  Or am I just the most unlucky, most missfortunate guy in existence and the good lord just doesn't want me to be to be with anyone?  Or better yet, why do I fail so epically at life?  Why did god make me so stupid and why can't I ever do anything right?  I mean you don't just meet people as marvelous as Teagan, Julie and Marie every day.  I honestly don't think I ever will meet anyone quite like any of them ever again.  Most certainly not anyone as perfect for me as Marie is, that's for sure.  I don't know why it is, but for some reason I feel more capable, more extroverted and just all around more compatible with her than I do anyone else I've ever met.  I don't think I've ever hit it off with anyone quite like I have with Marie.  And I'm not entirely sure that I ever will.  And if this is my best and my best apparently isn't good enough, that there's still a guy out there who's better than I am nonetheless, then really, how pathetic am I that I still epically fail nonetheless?

Of course this isn't the only issue I'm being overloaded with right now.  Though quite obviously, it is the one I think about the most, that's for sure.  Other issues include me taking Calc 1 from an instructor who teaches it in a way that I swear is impossible to understand I thing that's going on, not to mention he is no help at all in giving us adaquite enough assignments to actually practice the math.  He has no schedule for it on the syllabus, he has no actual assigned problems, he just says "just do all the odd ones."  And it's been very, very difficult for me to practice this stuff via homework as a result.  And now I am failing the class pretty badly, and am not sure if I can pull at least a D- or better out of it.  Which is very bad for my financial aid standing.  Failing the class would be about the same for it as dropping it for a W, only it wouldn't hurt my GPA if I did the latter.  And I know I have a very willing tutor to help me with this stuff (she knows who she is ;) ) as she promised earlier in the semester and I am very greatful for that.  I just haven't been very willing to ask her to help me is all.  Partially out of stubbornness, but also out of the fact that, to tell you the honest truth, I just kind of have this personal issue with actual friends helping me out with homework.  It's nothing against anyone or anything, it's just something I kind of have a hard time feeling adaquite with it is all.

Then there's the fact that, as it would seem, Dr. Root feels like he has enough confidence in my capabilities that he thinks I can handle lead trombone in symphonic band.  At first that was actually one of the things I felt like was going my way and that I was looking forward to with much anticipation.  And most times, I have to say, it is kinda cool and I enjoy it quite a bit.  Other times I struggle enough with it and feel burdened enough by it that I wonder why on earth he put me up here instead of Linda or Matt, who are both way better than I am anyways.  That solo on Rhapsody in Blue I wish sometimes he'd just pass on to one of those two instead of make me have to deal with it.  It's not a hard solo, it's just that he wants it done in a very specific way, and I'm not sure if I can do it the way he wants me to.  He's even trying to get me into his office so he can work with me on it, and its not something I particularly want to deal with doing.  I guess at least I don't have to run sectionals, which is a plus.  But other than that, I just don't know sometimes.......

I guess in the end, all I can really do about any of this is let life run it's natural course, even if it doesn't go the way I want it to.  Which is a very, incredibly hard thing to do when you're as concerned with and worried about it all as I am.  Mostly just because I want nothing more than for it to turn out the way I want it too.  And I honestly can't help but feel like a massive failure at life who can't do anything right if it doesn't.  But in the end, it really, honestly is all you can do about it.  It's not going to be very easy to do, and it will take a very, very long time.  Stuff like this just doesn't go away overnight, especially those said particular feelings, whether they be of love for a certain particular incredible individual or of failure, regret, anger, and lack of appreciation for the self.  But, whatever will be will be I guess.

Top 25 favorite albums of the decade.

We had a thread like this in one of the forums I post in, and I decided I'm going to post my list on my blog here. It counts down from 25 to 1 like any good best of list should. 8-)  I won't go into detail to describe each of them though, considering there's, you know, 25 of them and all..... ;) Would love to have though, but seeing as how I just barely had the idea of maybe doing what JayGee's doing over on ArizUtaku with the top anime of the decade, it's probably too late for that......  Ah well, maybe I'll go more in depth with them if I can ever get that music thing running on this blog again......

25.  Bleed American - Jimmy Eat World (2001)
24. Age of Winters - The Sword (2006)
23. Runnin' Wild - Airbourne (2008)
22. Get Born - Jet (2003)
21. Elephant - The White Stripes (2003)
20. The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance - (2006)
19. Come What(ever) May - Stone Sour (2006)
18. Break the Cycle - Staind (2001)
17. American Idiot - Green Day (2004)
16. Vol. 3 (The Subliminal Verses) - Slipknot (2004)
15. Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace - Foo Fighters (2007)
14. Stiff Upper Lip - AC/DC (2000)
13. How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb - U2 (2004)
12. Heathen Chemistry - Oasis (2002)
11. The Sickness - Disturbed (2000)
10. Toxicity - System of a Down (2001)
9. Meteora - Linkin Park (2003)
8. Sonic Firestorm - Dragonforce (2004)
7. Absolution - Muse (2003)
6. Carnavas - Silversun Pickups (2006)
5. Into the Wild Soundtrack - Eddie Vedder (2007)  
4. Mer De Nomes - A Perfect Circle (2000)
3. Lost Dogs - Pearl Jam (2003)
2. Lateralus - Tool (2001)  
1. Kid A - Radiohead (2000)

To this be the end of For Your Listening Pleasure. ;_;

 Yes Takezo, unfortunately it is indeed true. ;_;

 

Some might have already noticed by now, and I for one just barely noticed today, that apparently there have been adds for My Space music in place of the IMEEM music player.  Basically what seems to have happened is that IMEEM no longer exists and is now suggesting on it's old HTML to give a try to My Space music.  In which case, unless I can figure out a different medium by which to post music up on here, this may very well end up being the end of my For Your Listening Pleasure feature.  Which, as the avid music lover that I am, saddens me quite a bit, as I really would love to post more about the music I love and give you all a taste of it. ;_;

I'll probably try to see if I can make something else of it though.  I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do in place of it, but I really would love to keep on doing it in some way, shape or form anyways.

A more lighthearted look inside BroEl's head. :)

I mostly got this idea from a friend of mine over on her blog and decided it sounded like not too bad an idea to give some thought too.  So let's see if I can actually make this work, heh heh. ^_^'

20 things I love in life (in no particular order):

1.  Anime/Manga
2.  Graphic Novels
3.  Well drawn art
4.  Playing in the band
5.  Hanging out with band people
6.  The band hall
7.  Good friends
8.  Family
9.  Knowing that I'm loved
10.  Rock music
11.  Music in general
12.  Growing my hair out, no matter what length
13.  Writing
14.  Movies
15.  Gaming/RPGing, especially when it's with good friends :)
16.  Eating good food
17.  Watching a good football or basketball game
18.  Sci-Fi/Fantasy type stuff
19.  Waisting time on the internet
20.  Cute animals! ^_^

Well, at least I tried anyways, heh heh. ^_^'

Death, doom, distruction and chaos!!! >:-3 Or things of the sort.....

Well it would appear that as of today, my time is no longer occupied by the dread of what we all know of as school.  Finals are done, classes ended last week, and for about three and a half weeks I've got nothing to do but go around causing all sorts of trouble!! >:-3 Or at least I'd like to think so anyways......

Other than the obvious holidays I don't really have much on tap for the break, which is pretty typical for most any times I have off of school.  Mostly just sleep, messing around on the computer, hanging out with friends when invited to do such, and lots of anime I need to watch.  Which is where I suppose I'll start off.  Amongst the truckload of anime and manga my friend dumped on my head just before leaving to join the military, a series i've been meaning to watch for some time now called Ergo Proxy is one of them.  I've actually had enough time this week to get through about 8 episodes of it so far, and I'm already quite impressed.  You'll probably hear more about my thoughts on it over on ArizUtaku sometime after I finish it, and probably even on Facebook with what I've decided is going to be my traditional note on the best of anime for the year.  I've also decided to start up on yet another series I've been wanting to watch for some time now via bit torrent download (for now of course, until I decide to purchase it legally) called Planets.  From what I've heard of it, it really sounds like something I'd just fall head over heals for.  Also on tap, if I have enough time that is, is probably going to be me working on finally seeing past episode one of Eve no Jikan, which should be easy enough considering it's only 6 episodes long at 15 minutes each.  Finishing the last 5 episodes of Monster is also something I've been meaning to do for a while now (yeah, my status on that series hasn't changed from the last time I mentioned it in this blog unfortunately.... ;_; ) but we'll see.  In some ways, considering it's licensed now, I've actually thought about just finishing it via DVDs or it's airtime on SyFy, but we'll see.

The holiday season is probably going to be one of the more humbling ones this year though.  Christmas and New Years is always my favorite holidays/general time of the year, just simply because it's a time which seems to have this really great feeling about it like no other.  It's just a really relaxing time of the year where there are all sorts of beautiful decorations and lights, peacful and relaxing music, and just all around good feelings.  There are those parts that I don't like about if of course, mostly because this time of year also tends to bring out the worst in people as much as it does bring out the best in them.  It's also very stressful to have to go through all the trouble getting all those pretty decorations and lights up, as well as budget out certain finances for the much less important gift giving aspects of it.  This year I think I might enjoy more than most years though simply based off the fact that I am going to pretty much have to focus on all those more positive aspects of it that make me love it so much.  I unfortunately never have enough money any year of Christmas to get into the more gift giving part of it, which is something I think is such a terrible travesty that I don't get that opportunity very much.  But even in the gift recieving department, not quite as important to me as to participate in giving them but still somewhat enjoyable in it's own right, will be very, very humble this year, seeing as how our family is pretty dry on the finances as well.  That and I've decided that this year I'm kind of not really seeming nearly as much into the season as I typically tend to be, which has left me not really having much of a desire to go and put up all of our pretty Christmas stuff.  Which pretty much means that if I don't do it, it at least will not get put up for a while, and even then we probably won't have any roof lights this year.  But as I've said, none of that really matters as much as it sometimes is made out to be believed to be.  I always enjoy the part of Christmas that I enjoy so much no matter what, and this year I'll have mostly that to just sit back and enjoy.

So that pretty much wraps most of what my break will be like.  Everything else in the life of BroEl is mostly pretty much similar to what I've posted about before, and grades are yet to come out, so I'll probably be around with another post when next semester starts up again to talk more about all of that.  But for now I am off to thrive in the grandness of doing absolutely nothing. 8-)

For Your Listening Pleasure/thoughts on the band and album: Lateralus by Tool

Considering I could go on all day about how incredible I think this band is as well as this album, I'm going to sort of combine a "For Your Listening Pleasure" post with those same thoughts on how incredible I think they are.

Pretty much if you ask anyone who's well enough versed in the realm of rock music to know who these guys are (and it's not that hard, considering they actually are a pretty fairly well known band in the first place) they'll tell you at the very basic level that they are by and far the weirdest band you'll ever hear of, but that they also make absolutely amazing music as well.  And at the very basic level, they'd be right.  But in fact it's because they're such a weird band that makes them such the mind-blowing geniuses that they are.  Tool has always been a band that has just poured all kinds of innovative, artistic creativity into pretty much everything they do, especially in their ability to create such an amazing prog-metal/art rock sound in a way as if they are actually composing their music out like an actual musical piece rather than just writing yet another typical verse-chorus-verse styled song.  And the result (at least from Aenema onward anyways) has always turned out to be nothing less than a pure masterpiece.

Lateralus is certainly no exception.  This essentially was the album that first introduced me to Tool, or at least a few of the songs that are on it were anyways.  And it was quite literally unlike anything I had ever heard before.  It is to my very honest opinion that, as almost equally incredible as both Aenema and they're most recent 10,000 Days are, that this album is without a doubt Tool at their very best.  And quite frankly, I also honestly believe it to be one of the best, if not the best album of all time.  Not only because of the sheer innovation in musical quality, but also because of it's innovation in all around artistic and intellectual quality as well.  Pretty much the main theme by which Tool lives and dies and is always trying to convey to their listeners is the idea of thinking for yourself, analyzing and questioning everything in life with an open mind and using that open mind to reach deep inside yourself and, in the words of lead singer Maynard-James Kennan at the end of each of their live concerts, "create something positive."  And never before have they accentuated that ideal the way they do with this album.

Probably the only thing I would criticize this album for would be the only track on here that comes anywhere near resembling anything of a throwaway track, and that would be one of the angrier sounding songs in the post Aenema era in Ticks and Leeches.  When Maynard's voice isn't sounding as heavenly and almost downright angelic as it does for being a heavy rock music singers' voice, it does tend to get quite aggressive sounding and at sometimes even degenerates into screamo mode, which he does for basically most of this song.  But that is more than made up for by having some of Danny Carry's finest drumming (who is, in my opinion, one of the best drummers of all time), as well as your same old amazing sounding musicianship from guitarist Adam Jones and bassist Justin Chancellor (who is also in my opinion one of the best bass guitarists of all time).  There are also a couple of sound effect tracks on this album in which Tool is actually very, very well known for (which reminds me, you have to wait like, 2 minutes before you get to hear the very final track on this album by the way), but is definitely an improvement from how overbearing they can get with it sometimes (which essentially is the only problem I'd say I had with Aenema...... ).

Also, I can't talk about this album without mentioning it's title track somewhere within the discussion.  It stands alone as probably my favorite song of all time.  Mostly because of what I mentioned before about how this album accentuates those very ideals I mentioned before; it is accentuated by and far moreso in this song than in any others.  And in such a very, very inspiring way as well.  This essentially was the song that blew me away in so many ways when I first heard it that if I hadn't acknowledged Tool as one of the most amazing bands of all time by then, I had after I heard that song.  It invigorates you in such a way that one can't help but go out and take Maynard's advice to use those thoughts and feelings to "create something positive" after having listened to it.

Unfortunately I'm not sure one can get the best experience possible out of this album by listening to my IMEEM playlist of it because of how some of these tracks connect together and how the player seems to cut off between tracks.  But if this intrigues anyone to any degree, I don't even have to mention the fact that I would without any doubt suggest going out and purchasing this album, and maybe even a few other Tool albums (post Aenema anyways) as well. 

You know how the old saying goes......

I found it really interesting today that we were discussing in our communications class something I was actually thinking about quite a bit earlier this morning.  It was about how when it comes do developing a relationship with people, that in a lot of cases some people need someone completely opposite of themselves in order to make a relationship work.

Basically I'm thinking about this in the sense of someone who's very much an introvert, kind of like myself actually.  If you find someone else who's just as introverted as you, you're not going to be able to communicate or connect very well because you're both not quite as willing to open up to each other as you probably should be.  Which I really think is a travesty, because I think that two introverted people can probably understand how each other feels more than anyone else can, because they're both very similar in a lot of ways that not a lot of other people in society really are.  But if two people are going to be able to connect on any sort of level then you kind of have to be able to communicate with each other somehow.  And if you get two introverts together that aren't so skilled at that sort of thing, it's just not going to happen. 

I would know honestly, being as introverted as I am.  The honest truth of things is that when it comes to communication, I will admit I do rely very heavily on the other person to carry on a conversation.  That's just kind of how I am.  But I have noticed in my experiences with trying to communicate with other introverted people, sometimes my conversations with them don't really go anywhere.  I can sort of communicate with them, sometimes in some pretty fairly good conversations actually.  But a lot of the time I find myself in a ton of those akward silence situations, probably moreso than not.  Heck, I won't even deny that happens with people who do have the better conversational skills to carry on a conversation sometimes.

It is kind of sad though.  Typically the kind of girl I've seemed to like the most in the past have been the more introverted ones, I think mostly because I feel like I can connect with them on a level I can't seem to otherwise because I can understand how they feel more.  And I feel I have more in common with them because they're just like me.  But at the same time I do wonder if that's the reason why I'm so pathetic when it comes to having the capability to get into a relationship with people, because that seems to be the only kind of girl I ever find myself to be interested in that way.