Wednesday, February 17, 2010

BroEl's overly stressful and in some ways quite emo rant......

Gal, it's been since way back in December when I made my last post here, hasn't it?  Well I've had plenty to write about, that's for sure.  Problem is actually ever getting around to writing any of it, which with as much has occupied both time and mind as of late, has been extremely difficult to do.  Heh....  But after reading the most recent post on my friends blog about her current stresses in life, I kind of felt the need to give myself my own release of some of the things that have been overwhelming me over the last little while or so.

Well I was originally going to come in back at the beginning of the semester and give my overview of how the break went and what I'm looking forward to academically, socially and personally going into the new year/semester.  But those things do sort of loosely tie into this little rant of mine, so I guess in a way you could say this is pretty much it then, heh.  Basically coming into this new year/semester, things were looking very, very up for me after having had fallen on some pretty dark times for a while.  I had finally put a lot of my old feelings behind me that had been troubling me since back in the summer and accepted things for what they were currently, even if they weren't what I wanted.  Despite that fact, I finally felt ready to move on with life and give more serious thought to exploring other possibilities with other feelings I felt like I could've possibly had.

That's where the confusion begins though.  Also coming into the year/semester, one of those possibilities was to not have feelings for anyone in particular at all, as inspired to me by my good friend Bryson.  It was something I was seriously considering giving a try, but the problem was going into the year/semester I still felt like there was a possibility that I could've already had some feelings for a couple of certain specific very wonderful and amazing young ladies that was now ready to come fourth since I had finally put those old feelings behind me.  So the conflictions stood as thusly: which one of those magnificent young ladies do I want to be with the most, or do I even want to have feelings for anyone right now?  As it would seem, none of my old conflictions from the past year/semester had gone away, all but just that one particular feeling that I had finally put behind me, but that was it.  It felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders, but the confusion had just only begun.....

And as a result, I took far too long to act.  I guess I can't put too much blame on Teagan for setting her brothers up with them, she did what she thought was best for the people she cares about most in life, both her brothers and her non-blood related sisters.  She saw the opportunity and she took it, and she was only able to take it because I let it happen.  And I really should be happy because she's happy, because her brothers (two very good, very close friends of mine by the way) are happy, and most of all, because those incredibly fine young women are happy.  But what about me?  I must say it's been one heck of an incredibly bittersweet period of time for me lately.  Everyone just seems so happy, and I'm happy that they're happy, but I'm miserable because of it, and that right there is not so happy.....  I can't help but sometimes be angry at Teagan and her brothers, and even in some cases the other girls as well for it all.  But that's just being overly emotional I guess.  I do feel really terrible about it, and I wish things didn't have to be this way so that I couldn't feel this way, and that in turn they couldn't feel that way about me.  I guess you can't really blame me for getting that way though, but the reality of it all is that it isn't any of their faults, and they don't deserve to have this anger directed towards them.  If anyone deserves to have anyone's brunt of negative feelings thrown at him, it should be me.  And without a doubt, if there's anyone in the world who has had by and far the most anger tossed upon them by me, it is most assuredly myself and myself alone.

Which also brings me to my next point: just how much longer is this going to keep happening to me?  Why does it seem like every single time I've had reason to believe, it always ends this way?  I've probably been told more than any other guy in life that "you're a really nice guy Nate, you're really great, but you're just not the right one for me" or "I really like you a lot, I just don't feel ready to get in a serious relationship with anyone right now."  And the worst of that latter is that both times I've been told that, interest has been shown by those particular girls in other guys really not too much longer after them having said that.  Which begs the question, am I really just that pathetic?  Is every guy out there better for every girl out there than I am?  What is it exactly that women just don't seem to like about me?  Or am I just the most unlucky, most missfortunate guy in existence and the good lord just doesn't want me to be to be with anyone?  Or better yet, why do I fail so epically at life?  Why did god make me so stupid and why can't I ever do anything right?  I mean you don't just meet people as marvelous as Teagan, Julie and Marie every day.  I honestly don't think I ever will meet anyone quite like any of them ever again.  Most certainly not anyone as perfect for me as Marie is, that's for sure.  I don't know why it is, but for some reason I feel more capable, more extroverted and just all around more compatible with her than I do anyone else I've ever met.  I don't think I've ever hit it off with anyone quite like I have with Marie.  And I'm not entirely sure that I ever will.  And if this is my best and my best apparently isn't good enough, that there's still a guy out there who's better than I am nonetheless, then really, how pathetic am I that I still epically fail nonetheless?

Of course this isn't the only issue I'm being overloaded with right now.  Though quite obviously, it is the one I think about the most, that's for sure.  Other issues include me taking Calc 1 from an instructor who teaches it in a way that I swear is impossible to understand I thing that's going on, not to mention he is no help at all in giving us adaquite enough assignments to actually practice the math.  He has no schedule for it on the syllabus, he has no actual assigned problems, he just says "just do all the odd ones."  And it's been very, very difficult for me to practice this stuff via homework as a result.  And now I am failing the class pretty badly, and am not sure if I can pull at least a D- or better out of it.  Which is very bad for my financial aid standing.  Failing the class would be about the same for it as dropping it for a W, only it wouldn't hurt my GPA if I did the latter.  And I know I have a very willing tutor to help me with this stuff (she knows who she is ;) ) as she promised earlier in the semester and I am very greatful for that.  I just haven't been very willing to ask her to help me is all.  Partially out of stubbornness, but also out of the fact that, to tell you the honest truth, I just kind of have this personal issue with actual friends helping me out with homework.  It's nothing against anyone or anything, it's just something I kind of have a hard time feeling adaquite with it is all.

Then there's the fact that, as it would seem, Dr. Root feels like he has enough confidence in my capabilities that he thinks I can handle lead trombone in symphonic band.  At first that was actually one of the things I felt like was going my way and that I was looking forward to with much anticipation.  And most times, I have to say, it is kinda cool and I enjoy it quite a bit.  Other times I struggle enough with it and feel burdened enough by it that I wonder why on earth he put me up here instead of Linda or Matt, who are both way better than I am anyways.  That solo on Rhapsody in Blue I wish sometimes he'd just pass on to one of those two instead of make me have to deal with it.  It's not a hard solo, it's just that he wants it done in a very specific way, and I'm not sure if I can do it the way he wants me to.  He's even trying to get me into his office so he can work with me on it, and its not something I particularly want to deal with doing.  I guess at least I don't have to run sectionals, which is a plus.  But other than that, I just don't know sometimes.......

I guess in the end, all I can really do about any of this is let life run it's natural course, even if it doesn't go the way I want it to.  Which is a very, incredibly hard thing to do when you're as concerned with and worried about it all as I am.  Mostly just because I want nothing more than for it to turn out the way I want it too.  And I honestly can't help but feel like a massive failure at life who can't do anything right if it doesn't.  But in the end, it really, honestly is all you can do about it.  It's not going to be very easy to do, and it will take a very, very long time.  Stuff like this just doesn't go away overnight, especially those said particular feelings, whether they be of love for a certain particular incredible individual or of failure, regret, anger, and lack of appreciation for the self.  But, whatever will be will be I guess.