Seasonal Letdown

Just in case you haven't noticed, it's that time of year again.  You know, that same time of year where everyone's supposed to be happy and jolly, showing love and appreciation for those friends/family that you know, etcetera etcetera.  In just an hour and a half from my writing these exact words it will officially be the day before Christmas, better known as Christmas Eve.  And for all the reasons mentioned above, it's my personal favorite time of the year.  Even though I can get pretty overly annoyed by snow at any other time during the wintertime, there's nothing I love to see more during the holidays.  There's just something about it that adds to the wonder and beauty of the time, along with the lights all strung up and gorgeous, decorated trees all lit up and the beautiful music that is played all around during this time as well.  The stress of school is behind us for three weeks and even though I personally believe in showing the same kind of love and appreciation for one another year round that is always talked about in full force cliche, it's the culmination of all these things that really seems to put the feeling in the air in all it's perfection.

Though I've always experienced all of this and reveled in it during must holiday seasons, there have been few next to none that have made me feel it more than it did last year.  Mostly because there have been few holiday seasons where I had so many people I held in my thoughts and my heart during it outside of my family as well as inside it.  Whereas that fact had me feeling admittedly more selfish than I probably should have during that time in years past, last year was one of the first times I saw myself appreciating it for less of the selfish commercialism and more of what  truly does make it as special as it is than ever before.  And all of this was made possible by the sheer and simple fact that if it wasn't family, even if it wasn't Peter, Aaron and the others or even certain someones who know who they are, it was someone else even, most specifically the many friends that I seemed to be making and who were making me feel more belonged than I ever have at school, in the band, or even other places that would be chatting with me, having me hang out with them and just all around making me feel good about myself and about them.  And on what was at the time my typical paperout routine not only every day of the year but on Christmas morning as well, I saw myself not being excited about my own Christmas morning experiences, giddy to get home and open my presents and such, but deep in thought about every last one of these people and wondering how they were spending their Christmas mornings and what excitements and joys they were feeling.  These experiences continued even on through New Year's and it all really gave me more of a newfound appreciation for what this time of year should be about.

Well long story short, as I'm sure we all know by now based on the many blog posts I've made on said subjects, it didn't take too long after being back in school again and life moving on as usual for life to be seeming like pretty much the exact opposite.  And as a result?  Here we are one holiday season later, and I couldn't feel life being emptier, lonelier, or just all around being more dull and boring than it is now.  It is now currently an hour away from officially being Christmas Eve, and it honestly doesn't feel any different than any other day.  Not only because of the aforementioned catastrophe, but also add onto that Peter now being married and living in Logan, so far outside of my capability to have him keep me company, Aaron and his wife being sick, and everyone else seemingly more distant from me in their thoughts then I feel they should be and instead I feel myself being more along the lines of bitter and lonely instead of having that special feeling I had last year.  Ironically the more commercial feeling of the season that had me more preoccupied than it should have in years past has come back to bite me in the butt, and after last year it all just seems so empty; not nearly as exciting as it used to be.  Almost everything about Christmas seems to serve as nothing more than a reminder of how wonderful things were last year and how it can't be that wonderful this year, and quite frankly, all it does is make me feel sad inside because of it and down on myself for not being able to not only have prevented things from becoming as bad as they are way back when they did, but also to find other ways to make it that special again.  Just when I thought things were turning around for the better last year, this year I find myself not only back where I was before it, but not being able to appreciate it as much anymore.

I suppose all I can really hope for is to survive it all, make the best of what I do have no matter how lonely ore empty it may feel, and hope for the new and upcoming year to have more promising things in store for me so that by this time next year I won't be feeling this way anymore.