So That We're All on the Same Page......

Well, I've gone and done it once again.....  I've lasted over a particularly long period of time without posting on this blog.....  As if that weren't the biggest understatement ever.......  It's been like, two years man, seriously....  I won't lie, it's crossed my mind in the past as to whether or not I still want to keep this blog because of how little I post in it not to mention how very few people actually read it.  But, it's times like these that allow me the inspiration to keep on going with it.  Frankly the last thing I would ever want to do is cut myself off from any means by which to express myself.  It's too therapeutic to just give up on it.  I might very well just go more insane.....  If it's even possible for me to go more insane that is.... ;P Besides, I wouldn't want this spify new layout I have for all y'all's eyes out there to go to waste, now would I?

And to be completely truthful, quite a bit has been on my mind lately actually.  I'm basically getting to a point in my life where I feel that if I don't do something to change the nasty run of luck I've always had very soon, I may never be able to.  And then I'll be in a very, very bad way, probably for the rest of my life.  I might not even have much of a life left to live if that's the case......  And it's gotten me very worried about certain essentials in life such as employment, finances, my own living situation, transportation, and of course the big one, companionship and marriage.  I know I'm not where I need to be in any of these areas; far from it, as a matter of fact.  And I really have been trying to the best of what I feel I can do to change that.  It's not like I'm intent to be sitting on the couch all day doing nothing.  No - I actually do want to be productive with my life and I actually do want to be out there doing things on my own, for myself.  And it's not as if I just give up if one failure comes along and never try again.  No - I have been continuously looking, thinking, and trying for opportunities, and am determined to do so until I find something that works for me.  But the more nothing works for me and the more I get older, the harder it is for me to not get caught up in feelings of discouragement and fear of failure, and the more I feel I need to write blog posts such as this one, heh heh. :P

But I don't intend to wine or complain like I have in some of my earlier blog posts, which I'm sure will be quite the relief for those of you who have followed this blog from the beginning.  Here, I intend to do something a little more productive than I've done in the past with negative feelings that have been nagging at me.  Here, I would like to focus more on a particular aspect of such things that I believe have made it much more particularly difficult on me to do these things in my life than it's ever needed to be.  Frankly I've always had a hard time believing that anyone truly understands me, or that they've ever bothered to try to do so.  But then again, isn't that more my fault than anyone?  I certainly feel like it is.  I really could be doing a better job of allowing people a much easier capability of getting to know me.  It's just always been extremely hard for me, because probably the first and foremost thing to understand about me is how introverted I am, and as a result just how much I tend to prefer keeping to myself.  It's very hard for me to truly open myself up and admit certain things about myself that I'd rather have not be true - but the harsh reality of it is that they are nonetheless.  But with this post I hope to clear some of those things up, and I most certainly pray that not only people actually read it in the first place, but are willing to do so with an open mind and an open heart; without judgement, patronizing or condescension.

Like I stated above, the first and foremost step towards understanding me is my introversion.  Most people do understand this about me, but they don't quite get the depths behind it.  For others it's not so easy, and sometimes it feels too much like they expect more out of me than they understand they won't get.   These misunderstandings come from the fact that I have in fact broken out of a lot of the shells I once had as an adolescent.  I'm nowhere near as introverted as I was back then, and at times this sends the wrong message to people that I'm perfectly normal outgoing individual.  This is especially true considering the fact that I tend to have a much easier time expressing myself and being myself through writing, and as such, when people read my blogs, my texts or my Facebook posts, once again they get that same wrong impression about me.  This isn't always the case, and even when it is I'm always acting like the same self I am in real life.  But also when it is, it gives off the false illusion that I have no social awkwardness about me whatsoever, and that is far from the truth.  The truth is, in real life and underneath the surface of what you might judge of me in real life, I'm very much so the quiet type - not necessarily shy, though it absolutely MUST be of note that I am in fact very shy about some things in life, such as dating, romance and other such social interactions - just quiet and contemplative.  This is especially difficult for me in these times because it also tends to give off the wrong impression that I don't want to hang out, date or socialize with certain people, or that I find myself bored or fed up with them.  Believe me when I tell you this is FAR from the case......  I very much so enjoy the company of others, especially if they're good friends or loving family.  I want to spend more time with them than I feel I get to half the time.  I want to live my life, be who I am, meet new friends and keep in touch with old ones.  Even though I am accustomed to being lonely - I do sometimes prefer to be alone and I have a tremendous capacity to enjoy my own company - I don't particularly like to be as much as I am most of the time.  Just because I don't text you, call you, Facebook message you or in general be as proactive towards socializing with you as I could be, it doesn't mean that I don't want to be your friend, to date you, or to have anything to do with you.  It's simply a joint issue of the shyness I expressed before and the sheer and simply fact that I would much rather spend time with you in real life than I would through technology.  Yes, in spite of the fact that I do in fact have an easier time expressing myself through such means, I really, really would.

As an introverted person, I also really, really hate confrontation as well.  Every single time I have taken the infamous four-colors test (Red, White, Blue, Yellow), I have always not only gotten White as my pre-dominant color, but also by a landslide as well.  I do have undertones of Yellow (my next in line color) and Blue (next in line after that), but White is definitely very much so my main color.  Meaning you do NOT get through to me by yelling at me, coming down hard on me, being condescending towards me, calling me out in public or all in all trying to get into a fight.  You do not antagonize or judge me, nor do you patronize me, which is probably the worst thing you can do to me.  I have no intentions of ever being a leader, being better than anyone or having power of any sort whatsoever.  All I want to do is just live my life, get what I need and want to get done, and do it all in love, peace and harmony with others.  I want people to be understanding and patient with me, in spite of my shortcomings, as I go about doing so.  I'm a very individualistic person who doesn't like to be told what to do.  I will do it on my own time and on my own terms, in the way that best works for me.  I will think what I want to think and believe what I want to believe, the way I want to think or believe it.  That doesn't mean I won't take your suggestions into consideration, or that I'm not willing to reach out for help in any way you have to offer it and that it's not appreciated, but please, for the love of my own sanity, let me make my own decisions.  Don't assume that just because it worked for you and it makes sense from your point of view that it's the only way to do things.  Because frankly, I'm not you.  I have my own things I struggle with personally, and different things work with and make sense to me.  I will do what I feel most comfortable with and what I feel is more along the lines of "Hey, that sounds like something I would actually really love to do!"  Too many times do I feel that when I try to reach out for help in my life, or when others attempt to reach out to me, what they have for me is not what I don't want for myself, and the response ends up being "Well why do you even bother asking for help then?  Why do I even bother trying to help you?" or "Why don't you just accept what you need to hear rather than only settle for what you want to hear?"  And that's just simply a complete misunderstanding of how to best get through to me.  Try to put yourself in my shoes for once.  Think to yourself "Okay, this is what I understand about how he is and the way he works.  This is his personality, this is how he thinks, and this is what he believes.  What can I do, or what suggestions do I have for him, that can best help him achieve this way?"

This applies to pretty much anything in life; school, dating, relationships, hanging out, work, driving, finding a place to live, ect.  I'm going to start with the one that's most pressing on my mind at this very moment.  Basically I woke up this morning to X96's Radio From Hell show as I usually do, and they were having a call-in session addressing relationship issues.  At one point they covered a certain subject that's actually been covered quite a bit in our culture since Spring General Conference a year ago regarding the issue of how dating and hanging out are two completely different things.  And I must say, it's really quite been nagging at me all morning.  What exactly is the difference between dating and hanging out?  How would one define such terms?  One of the saddest facts about my life is that at 25 going on 26 and still single, I haven't been on very many dates, have never kissed a girl and have never been in a serious relationship.  And I'm beginning to wonder if maybe my own personal definition of dating and hanging out as opposed to the Utah Mormon culture definition of it - shoot, what almost seems to be society as a whole's definition of it.  To me, the difference does and should lie in genuine feelings; the desire you have to spend as much time as is realistically possible with the other person; how much time you spend together and how often, rather than in more secular traditions such as what exactly it is you are doing and who pays for what.  For me, a good date could simply comprise of taking a nice walk, sitting or having a good conversation or snuggling up on the couch and watching a good movie.  And if we do want to go out and do something that requires cash, is it really such a terrible thing for each of us to pay our own way like to mature, responsible adults?  One paying the other's way is a nice gesture granted, yes.  Every once in a while it's nice to do so for your date, and every once in a while it's nice to have the same done so for yourself.  But only if one or the other genuinely wants to, or is able to.  If it's expected of them, then it loses it's special meaning, and if fades into the grey area of narcissism.  It becomes something that as their date, you feel entitled to.  And as the date of someone who feels entitled to it, it becomes something you HAVE to do, and all of a sudden it's become nothing more than a drain on your wallet rather than a sweet thing to do for them.  Pay your own way, first and foremost.  And, every once in a while, should you feel inclined to do so, go ahead and give them that nice little gesture just to remind them you love them, not as because it's a tradition you're expected to live up to just because society says you SHOULD.  Because it's the quality of the date that matters, not the traditional definition of it.  Call me naive for feeling this way about it, but it's how I feel nonetheless.  Because frankly, I'd rather have a good experience with a date than a superficial one any day.  Is that so wrong of me?

(Wow, I just realized how condescending and potentially offensive this next paragraph is going to sound..... o.O Just know that I in know way mean to offend anyone, and if I do, I apologize.  My goal with this is not to start a fight or to step up on my podium and talk down to others.  I'm just simply trying to convey how I see certain things is all.  And I do feel particularly strong about this next subject...... )

Another unpopular belief I have about dating is in that I don't believe it's any one person's responsibility to ask the other out.  Rather, I think it is solely the responsibility of the party at hand who would like to ask the other out.  I feel like we have too much of an acculturated idea, especially around these parts, that if a woman asks a man out, it makes us some sort of pathetic sack of bones that needs to grow a pair.  Because we're not supposed to be raised as boys anymore.....  We're supposed to be raised as MEN!!!!  MANLY MEN!!! WHO'S DUTY IT IS TO COME TO THE AIDE OF OUR POOR, AILING, DEFENSELESS WOMEN WHO CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR THEMSELVES!!!!  Spare me....  Sad thing is I've come to know some women to have good, strong, confident heads on their shoulders and fearlessly outgoing personalities who have this perception themselves.  And it's not because they feel too shy or insecure towards it, that I can tell you.  It's because they've been acculturated to feel entitled to it.  And as I said above, any time you feel entitlement or obligation to do anything regarding this sort of thing, the special meaning it's supposed to have completely fades away.  Now I can understand if you feel shy towards this sort of thing.  Ooooooooh lordy can I understand......  I mean, did you read that earlier paragraph?  I struggle with shyness towards this sort of thing as well, and there's plenty I need to work on as well with regards to personal accountability regarding asking someone you like out.  But I still infer (and this is especially true for women, if only because of the culture we live in) that we shouldn't just sit around asking ourselves "When is he/she going to ask me out?"  Get off your little hind parts, be a little proactive and ask THEM out!  If you're shy or insecure about the issue, seek help.  Yes, I know, it's still a struggle for us shy people to even talk about who we like to other people, even people we trust.  Believe me, I'm as guilty as charged on that one.  Point is, you're never alone on the subject.  Maybe they'll come to figure it out for themselves.  Maybe they wont, and you'll have to work up a little courage or use a little tact in your speach to bring the subject up naturally (my personal preference, heh heh).  But as long as you surround yourself with people who understand how shy, insecure and awkward about the subject you are, you're never alone.

Now I do realize that these last couple of paragraphs come from the point of view of one who is fairly introverted, quiet and somewhat shy and socially awkward as well as one who struggles with finances and getting a job.  I've already covered the former, so right now I am going to focus on the latter.  As I've said before, I am trying.  It's not like I want to be a couch potato in my parent's house all my life.  Shoot, part of the reason why I feel the way I do about being in that particular point in my life like I mentioned above is because, due to my parent's seemingly declining health, I'm vastly approaching to where I quite literally will not be able to do it anymore.  Believe me, I want myself out of their house as much as anyone else does.  But I think the key element to understand about me in this aspect is that personally, I simply do not care about money.  I care about money enough to support myself and eventually support a family, and I care about having enough left over on the side to spend on leisurely times but other than that it doesn't have to be a whole lot.  Fact of the matter is there's so much more that's important in life that I think those seeking to make a hefty paycheck in a fast paced world tend to forget (or, if you'll forgive me for addressing more political issues, in the case of those who don't have much of an opportunity to remember because their extremely hard-working and back breaking selves don't get paid nearly enough to not have to work the ridiculous hours that are demanded of them just to support a family they hardly ever get to spend time with...... ).  And if I have to survive off of tuna for a few months or solely off of Netflix or Roku on a non-flat screen TV for our entertainment, then I'm more than willing to do so just so I can be happy with my job and my presence in my family's life. They say beggars can't be choosers......  I say why not?  Isn't freedom of choice the greatest opportunity we enjoy in our society?  One of the greatest gifts given to us by the lord?  If I don't want to work a job that I could easily get while desperate to find work, why should I?  Doing so just for the money it offers doesn't sound like opportunity to me.  It sounds like a desperate beggar feeding off of the scraps the upper classes throw away (here I go getting all political again, heh heh......).  When I say I want a job, I don't mean I'll take any random thing you throw at me.  It needs to be flexible with hours so I can have time to go to school, get good grades and have a social/leisure life at the same time.  It needs to be something I decide for myself would be something I would love doing, have a level of competency with and doesn't contribute to an idea that goes against my personal values and convictions (No fast food, no Wall-Mart, and for those of you familiar with the Computer Science employment in Utah, no L3 or Hill Air Force Base.  I don't think I can handle the idea of writing software for military weaponry whose soul purpose is to take the lives of others......  Or to be more simply put, I don't think I could bring myself to work for the military in any way, shape or form.  Not because I don't respect the military; the courage that it takes to do what they do and the sacrifices they make for us.  But because I don't like the idea of contributing to the idea of war in any way, shape or form).  It needs to treat their workers well and provide them a good, patient, friendly, welcoming and understanding environment to work in.  I need people to understand the anxiety that I will cover in the next paragraph, and how it effects my ability to fill out an application or a resume, my competency in and intimidation of an interview, and my worries of struggling to keep a job.  I need them to treat me with love, kindness, patience and understanding if they want to help me do these things.  In case you've forgotten my earlier paragraph on the issue, doing otherwise is no way to get through to me or inspire me.

So that anxiety.....  More than anything else in my life it applies to getting a driver's license as well. Most people think I don't have one because I never bothered to take driver's ed in high school and that I've simply never seen a purpose or had a desire to get one.  Only half of that is true.  The latter half I eventually came to the decision of on my own after my horrible, almost life-scarring experiences in driver's ed.  If any of you read Reminder, that prose I wrote over on the writing blog, the part that covers the driver's ed experience is pretty much right out of my own experience with it, scene by scene, word by word, depicted personal concern by depicted personal concern.  And it is all the effects of that said anxiety......  I have a hard time taking tests because of it, I have a hard time with one-on-one interviews of any kind because of it, and I certainly have been having a hard time getting myself to learn how to drive because of it.  The anxiety of the responsibility of everyone's life - including and especially your own - all resting on your shoulders, the safety of the vehicle you are driving and the expenses and inconveniences that come if it crashes, and all of the complex road rules and regulations, driving techniques and all that you have to be paying attention to in order to do so.  That and the fact that my driving instructor, my driver's ed class instructor, and my fellow students never made any of that anxiety any easier on me.  In fact, they only made it worse.  They did nothing but grow impatient with me, and the more impatient with me they grew the harder they came down on me, yelling at me and beating all of my mistakes into my head.  And in the particular case of the fellow students, had nothing but discouraging and condescending things to say to me about it.  That anxiety manifests itself still today, in the fear that my out of school experiences with learning how to drive, taking the necessary tests and dealing with all the instructors would be exactly the same, and thus no progress would ever have the opportunity to be made towards it.  By now I'm sure I have beaten the dead horse, and you should perfectly understand how to get through to me.  Well..... if you want me to get my driver's license so bad, apply the same here.  Just as importantly, if you want me to get my driver's license so bad, be patient and understanding of why I feel it as hard as it is to me to get one.  Don't just tell me to go and get one, like it's as easy as going over to the store to pick up a loaf of bread.  It may have been for you, but it's not for me.  For me, it's all about getting over that anxiety I developed towards it in high school; facing my fears.  It's about receiving the proper instruction of patience, understanding and encouragement that gets through to me the best.  It's about not having much of a passion for driving and driving-oriented subjects in the first place - only caring that my car has four wheels, an engine and a steering wheel and handing it over to someone more educated on auto-mechanics than I to get it fixed and never having the desire to drive stick....  Ever.  It's about the fact that if a location takes at most one hour to walk to, in most cases - in fact in almost all - I would much rather walk or use public transit than drive, especially if it saves gas money and it's a beautiful day to do so.  It'll be a nice, handy tool to have in those situations that are so relevant in today's world where you just simply can't get by without one, especially as I go out to search for a job, and pretty soon here, once my mom (who doesn't have a driver's license at this point either) get's her glasses back I'll be taking a shot at joining her in the pursuit of getting one to see if that will help ease a lot of that anxiety.  But as that tool, that will be the only purpose for me getting one and nothing more.

And finally, finding a place to live.  I don't really have much to say about this subject than has already been said about others, so this paragraph probably won't end up being so long.  Frankly put no, I don't want to live in my parent's house my entire life.  And I'm not particularly picky about where I live either, which I think goes in correlation to what I've said about not caring about money or other worldly possessions.  If it provides adequately enough for me or my future family's life, then I'm perfectly fine.  I would prefer to never have to live by myself though, so finding a roommate for my single days, not just to help pay rent but to give me company as well.  I've been coming to learn quite a bit lately that being lonely, without contact with other humans, is becoming more and more difficult for my sanity.......  Frankly I'd feel much better about it and my leisure time within it if I were in a better situation than I am, but no......  And part of the problem is that I feel beaten over the head with nostalgia lately that has made it difficult to live too much in the past and not enough in the present......  So preferably if I could live anywhere that's not Bountiful, that would be great.  Shoot, I'm almost inclined to say if I could live anywhere that's not Utah, that would be great as well, considering how fed up I seem to be getting over the Utah Mormon Culture and all (the culture mind you, NOT the gospel).  But with how extreme that may seem, living anywhere that's not Bountiful will suffice for now.  But, this is getting to sound quite a bit too much like a wish-list now, so yeah........  I'm just letting you all know at this point that this is how I feel about this subject is all.

So yeah, there you have it, yet another big long blog post resulting from the innermost aching thoughts I've been putting up with lately.  At least this time I'd like to hope it was a productive learning experience for you all, and every bit as much a therapeutic experience for me as well.